Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
