Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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