i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
