I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
