Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
