So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
