I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
