Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
