if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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