k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize