I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
