Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
