I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
