I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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