You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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