my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize