obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
