I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
