Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
