Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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