you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
