I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
