I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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