i wish my penis had a tongue
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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