An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
