Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
