Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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