I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize