He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
