dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think I sprained my soul last night
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
