Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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