I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
