When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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