Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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