Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
