why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
