by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
