I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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