i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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