Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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