I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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