Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
