This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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