I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
