I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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