I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize