Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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