Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
