Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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