I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
