I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
