so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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