I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
