just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
