Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
