we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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