Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
