a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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