lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
