ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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