one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
