From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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