i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
