just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
