She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
