is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
