Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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