Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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