Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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