I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
