Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize