my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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