Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
