She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize