Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
