I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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